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How to go about having a casual fling? September 18, PM Subscribe How to go about having a casual fling? Long, since this is anonymous and I won't be able to answer questions. And by 'very often' I mean, like, ever, but she does on special occasions for my benefit. I don't want to open this up to speculations that she might be making this up to not have sex with me.
Trust me, I've been over that line of thinking, too. So I'm kind of Looking for occasional fling this weird spot, where I don't want her to do something she doesn't want to do, but It kind of takes all the fun out of it for me if I know she's not really into it.
Anyway, she has told me for years that if I need to go "elsewhere," she's ok with that as long as I'm discreet. I haven't taken her up on that, because I'm not really interested in other women. Lately, though, I've been kind of missing that part of life. I'm not interested in the 'poly' lifestyle, and she has indicated that while she would be ok with occasional sex with other womenan ongoing relationship with another woman would not be ok.
My question is two parts.
I know she's an individual person and this isn't really generalizable, but women: would you say something like that to me but hope that I would never do it, and then be crushed if I did? I've asked her that question and she says she means it, but I still kind of feel like it's a trick in the back of my mind. For the second part: how would I even do that? I didn't date much before finding her and getting married. Which I don't regret. We've had our ups and downs, but have a pretty good marriage. How do you propose sex or even flirt more than casually with someone who knows you're married without turning into creepy looking-to-cheat dude?
Also, I can't really hang out in bars and look for one night stands by myself. I'm kind of an introvert. And I don't want all my friends knowing I'm doing this, so going out with friends and then hitting on women is, uh, not cool. Paying is too Looking for occasional fling, and I wouldn't even know where to go in the States without risking embarrassing arrest or dangerous situations.
It's quite possible that your wife doesn't know herself whether she'd be ok with it. She may think it's fine now, but when it actually happens may suddenly realize that she can't deal with the emotions that she's having. Be prepared for that. As for the looking part, good luck.
There are a million guys on Craigslist looking for "just sex" right now. Get in line. This is rough. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I absolutely do not agree that leaving your wife is the right way to go here unless you and she both agree that it is preferable to you having sex outside of the relationship. There is no reason to sacrifice your marriage because open relationships make some people uncomfortable. This is about you and your wife and what the two of you are okay with. I personally admire the care and commitment that you are showing towards your wife.
My first suggestion is to grab a copy of Opening Up and look through it for ideas and stories about other people in open relationships and a positive attitude towards many different kinds of open relationships. My second suggestion is that, if it seems right to you, you Looking for occasional fling the tools in that book to have a conversation with your wife about anything you feel then need to clarify or discuss safer sex practices, locations, money You might also want to figure out if she would be okay with you having a regular arrangement with someone or if it has to be a one-night stand, what she means by "relationship", and things like that.
My third suggestion is that you be very patient and try to have an open mind about the different ways you might find a sexual partner. Best of luck. How often would be often enough? Ah and if I said something like that, I would really hope that you would take me up on it if it allowed you to be satisfied in our relationship, and I would feel much less guilt and pressure if I knew your needs Looking for occasional fling getting met.
Plus, I like it when my partner is happy, it makes me happy. I am not a monogamous person, though. For me the important part of the vows was "in sickness and in health, until death do us part". The whole forsaking all others thing? Not even in the same league. So I can't claim to be the expert on monogamous women!
You don't say much about how you feel about any of this. If you didn't date around and are the monogamous type there could be a whole barrel load of emotion waiting to thwack you in the stomach - are you sure you want to get into that? Men are not automatically immune to the emotional fall-out of casual sex - oxytocin is heady stuff and 'casual flings' can rapidly escalate even if neither person wanted or expected it to happen. Rather than try and second guess your wife it might be worth thinking more about how you feel about this before you start worrying about to pick up women for sex.
If you can specify your expectations it might be easier to help you out. How to find this woman? No kidding around here -- I'd say craiglist.
Write an honest profile, describe your situation as cleanly and straightforward as you can, and what you are seeking. Cast your bread upon the waters, etc and etc. Melismata : " It's quite possible that your wife doesn't know herself whether she'd be ok with it. A winner here from Melismata -- no one knows what's going to happen when you open up this can of worms, not your wife, not you, not the woman who you get into bed with. There are lots of variables here. You can't get prepared for what will happen, really, as you don't know what's going to happen.
I guess you can be prepared for that, for not being prepared. While I do not think that anyone can know how they may react once they've entered into a situation such as this, it's absolutely totally between you and your wife, what you feel is best, what you believe is best, and then, in time, what you have experienced is best for you both, and for your marriage.
It happens; it just does. I could never, ever be in an open relationship because I know this weakness in myself, that I could fall, and I'd be scared that my partner would fall, also, with whoever she might be with. I had one of the loveliest -- in so many ways, not just beautiful -- woman I've ever known ask me into bed with her while she stayed with her husband; I would not do it. Could not. Her I'd have fallen for, already had, truth be told, and if I touched her it'd kill me to have waved her goodbye. So maybe this is all just projection of my issues onto your situation but I don't think so, I know that I'm not the only one who needs to keep things simpler.
Whatever you decide, I Looking for occasional fling it adds to your life.
This is what escorts are for. Wear a condom, be polite and I guarantee you'll have a good time. The intimacy is fantasy, of course, but that seems to fit the bill here. Go on theeroticreview. Looking for occasional fling can even find etiquette FAQs for newbies. I'm not saying it's riskless. But I've never had a problem, personally. Whether you can sell it to your wife I have no idea. Then it's an open marriage with rules not poly, yeah, but open.
If you're open with your partners about you being in an open marriage and what you're looking for, then it's ok-- look for women on hook-up websites or put 'looking for friends and short-term dating' say and that's what you'll get. The whole trick is whether you'd really stay casual, regardless. That's I believe unpredictable. Emotions always are, as is the future.
You could stay married even if you've broken your covenant, but that will eventually break down your spirit. So no matter which way you go on this, you're treading dangerous waters. I don't mean just 'is she really ok with it', but are you. Honestly, I don't think you can do this on a permanent basis, as in, for the rest of your life, but I could be wrong. I mean, you don't sound like the type who'd do that comfortably, and if you do, you'll be changing who you are. That may be ok or inevitable.
My feeling is that on some level people who can't view sex as 'just sex' basically remain those people, and if they go astray, they snap back eventually. Maybe that's so; that's the best hope for your marriage long-term-- that the pessimists are right. So, um, good luck with proving them right. A sex-life with a willing partner is something anyone should be able to get, after all.
Isn't this exactly the kind of thing ashleymadison.
Don't dodge around the subject matter during -- be frank and honest. Figure out what the 'rules' should be, give it a try once or twicethen have the conversation again to discuss feelings, maybe adjust the rules. Maybe she initially thinks she doesn't want to know, but then decides she does! Or you feel more comfortable not telling everything. Or etc etc It's great that you've sort of had a discussion like this before. Please don't be afraid to have it again. If you would feel more comfortable discussing it in a professional environment, see a couples counselor.
They're not just for couples thinking about getting a divorce. This is not all that unusual. Plus you have your wife's permission. It's not poly if it's just sex, it's open. She has been clear she doesn't want to know about it, though. Do not flirt with women who know you are married.Looking for occasional fling
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